Limit

I fucking hate this disorder. It needs to stop.

Welcome; or, Sorry You're Here. Also, Things Suck

I am trying to get a post out today about what's happening in my treatment and in my head. At the moment, I have just a few minutes before I need to leave my office, between patients, and go see my own analyst. She might get an earful today, or I might just cry. Not that I get to decide...damned unconscious seems to have a mind of its own - no pun/stupid psychotherapy joke intended. This morning I was sitting in my car listening to a report and commentary on Matt Lauer's interview with W. about the latter's book, and the commentators said something that struck me as so funny (12-yr-old girl at a slumber party at 2:30 in the morning funny) that I laughed out loud, at length, and then found myself sobbing for a couple of minutes. I don't know exactly why.

I was bitchy grumpy yesterday, and one day last weekend, and I think it's an undetermined "FUCK, this sucks" thing going on. I went shopping for clothing appropriate for a funeral yesterday because an old boyfriend has died, and THAT sucked. The death and the shopping. The fact that what I bought is the nicest thing I've bought to wear in a long time sucked (my doing, but it sucked anyway). My lower back hurts a lot and my PT think it's because of a muscle that also screws with my pelvic floor, and THAT sucks. I am angry and THAT sucks.

This actually says quite a bit about what's happening, doesn't it. If you're here for the first time because you're searching desperately for information and community on or around pelvic pain, welcome. Sorry you're here. It sucks.

Some Dramatic Title

I really just want to go to bed. I want warmth, comfort, dark, and quiet.

Let me just add:

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck!

FUCK!

(insert tantrum about it being "unfair," how lonely and sad and hopeless I feel, and how much I don't want to do anything for anyone right now)

I

Fucking Hate This.

Things I've Learned Since Developing Vulvodynia

I want to write something in depth about why I'm blogging about this, what I hope to achieve in doing so, and to chronicle my {cough} journey through dealing with this condition, but right now I'm in pain, and I'm pissed off, and I want to vent.

So...here's an angry list. I'll write something useful another time.

(1) It's one thing to blog about vulvodynia, and another thing entirely to do so on the blog your extended family and spouse's coworkers read. Hence, a separate blog.

(2) Significant and constant pain in the genitals induces anger. The random "spikes" of extra pain might induce madness. The jury is still out on that one.

(3) People in the grocery store who park their carts sideways across an aisle and then wander around looking for marshmallows or Cream of Wheat or whatever are in serious danger of bodily injury. Okay, that annoyed me before vulvodynia, but not to the point where I fantasized about ramming their carts with my own.

(4) Vicodin is sometimes not enough.

(5) Things are not going well when you start crying on a public toilet, just because the stall door is closed and no one can see you.

(6) Health care professionals all (so far) seem to agree that there is no way a similar condition for men would have "unknown causes."