Welcome; or, Sorry You're Here. Also, Things Suck

I am trying to get a post out today about what's happening in my treatment and in my head. At the moment, I have just a few minutes before I need to leave my office, between patients, and go see my own analyst. She might get an earful today, or I might just cry. Not that I get to decide...damned unconscious seems to have a mind of its own - no pun/stupid psychotherapy joke intended. This morning I was sitting in my car listening to a report and commentary on Matt Lauer's interview with W. about the latter's book, and the commentators said something that struck me as so funny (12-yr-old girl at a slumber party at 2:30 in the morning funny) that I laughed out loud, at length, and then found myself sobbing for a couple of minutes. I don't know exactly why.

I was bitchy grumpy yesterday, and one day last weekend, and I think it's an undetermined "FUCK, this sucks" thing going on. I went shopping for clothing appropriate for a funeral yesterday because an old boyfriend has died, and THAT sucked. The death and the shopping. The fact that what I bought is the nicest thing I've bought to wear in a long time sucked (my doing, but it sucked anyway). My lower back hurts a lot and my PT think it's because of a muscle that also screws with my pelvic floor, and THAT sucks. I am angry and THAT sucks.

This actually says quite a bit about what's happening, doesn't it. If you're here for the first time because you're searching desperately for information and community on or around pelvic pain, welcome. Sorry you're here. It sucks.

PT

Began physical therapy at Dr. Antolak's request. Two therapists at MAPS. Will involve more ligament distraction, pelvic floor massage, strain-counterstrain, and a couple of other things I can't recall right now.

Pain is awful. Stress related to it is sometimes worse. Sometimes I manage the pain well...other times it (and its relentless persistence - wait, is that redundant?) makes me so angry I am just a bitch. I have a therapist - I am a therapist - and I just can't make this be different. I often can do better than I am right now, but sometimes I just can't hold it together. I wish it didn't hurt my family. I wish I didn't hurt my family with it. I feel like shit.