This Morning

It hurts too damn much to do anything.


Now I shall finish getting ready for work.

New Procedure

Tomorrow, my pain doc is doing something he called "rectal massage of tendons." I plan to be so far into Ativan Land I can't even identify a car, let alone drive one. My husband is taking me there. Visions of my goddamned grandfather dance in my head - as if the medical procedure alone were not enough, my unconscious has to start screaming "FOUL!" It's frustrating...some things I had satisfactorily dealt with in order to discover enjoyable sexual activity take on new dimensions in the face of some of the things I've needed to do to try to solve this medical issue.

Fuck.

Decompression Surgery

In April, I had pudendal nerve decompression surgery via the transgluteal approach. This link states that the incisions are 2-3 cm; mine are nearly 5 inches long, with one-inch incisions above those, where the drains were for the first day post-op. Dr. Stanley Antolak performed the surgery. He says it went well. I remember his disembodied face floating over me as I came out of anesthesia after three hours under, telling me that I had "really needed this surgery" and that it had gone very well. By this, he meant the procedure had gone well; we don't know yet what the ultimate results will be.

More when I can. I keep trying to write about the surgery and recovery...this is as much as I can do right now. It's also time to leave my office and go see my analyst.

Less Hysterical

Had massage; hysteria tamped down. Head still hurts.

Make it

STOP, make it stop, make it stop.

4+ Months Post-Surgery

And I am in deep grief - for what my husband and daughter have lost, for what I have lost over the last 2.5 years; for what I am so scared, right now, that I may never regain. I feel tapped, like I have nothing to give right now. Maybe tomorrow will feel different, but I can't see it from this afternoon. I also had four steroid injections - extraordinarily painful affair - less than a week ago, and they're making me feel sick (and perhaps emotionally off-balance), so we'll see.

I am removing the post in which I use my real name because I have clients who sometimes seek connection with me outside of session by finding evidence of me on the web. Better to remove it and stick with "K" rather than start a whole new blog.

Pudendal Neuralgia & the MAPS Pain Clinic

It's not vulvodynia. This is interesting, because what is often Dx'ed as VVD isn't - it's this pudendal neuralgia mess. At least, according to my new doc - he says what I have "encompasses VVD" but goes beyond it. Sometimes (though not often), thank god for Old White Guy doctors. Dr. Stanley Antolak, in Edina, MN, came out of retirement to treat pudendal pain. He did a series of horrific tests on me to determine exactly where the nerve damage is (and it is nerve damage), then began a series of steroidal injections (blocks), which helped a bit...for a while. If I have sex, it's totally blown. Looks like I'm headed for surgery, I think, but not the kind where the pudendal nerve is destroyed - Antolak will go in and literally yank it over to a new place, on the theory that it's entrapped somewhere, rather than just inflamed.

At some point, I'll try to blog the experience at the U of MN pain clinic...probably after I report the treating practitioner to her board.

In the meantime, Prozac wore off (well, it has been seven years) and in the search for a new solution, plus lots of pain meds (I've been off 'em all for months now...but yay! the pain is still horrid!) and directly injecting things into my nervous system, I've been pushed into Serotonin Syndrome...let me tell you, that's a fuckin' day at the Fair.

How is everyone else doing? Thanks for checking in, Lora. Haven't wanted to write. It's been a really difficult two years.