Transplant

Entire pudendal transplant, please? I want a physiological do-over. Perhaps a "Way Back" machine and the combination shrink-ray and submarine from Phineas and Ferb, so I can go into my own developing body in utero and make sure the pudendal nerve grows over the spino-sacral ligament instead of through it.

I

Fucking Hate This.

PT

Began physical therapy at Dr. Antolak's request. Two therapists at MAPS. Will involve more ligament distraction, pelvic floor massage, strain-counterstrain, and a couple of other things I can't recall right now.

Pain is awful. Stress related to it is sometimes worse. Sometimes I manage the pain well...other times it (and its relentless persistence - wait, is that redundant?) makes me so angry I am just a bitch. I have a therapist - I am a therapist - and I just can't make this be different. I often can do better than I am right now, but sometimes I just can't hold it together. I wish it didn't hurt my family. I wish I didn't hurt my family with it. I feel like shit.

Right Direction

The ligament (think I had it wrong as "tendon" before) distraction might be helping! It's hard to tell, because 9 days ago I got the flu and pneumonia, so I don't move a lot and that could be why the pain is down. BUT, I'm taking 2 oxycontin a day and 0 oxycodone, compared to 3 and 2, so I am counting that as progress. I am, I am, I am!

Grrr 2

Just...fuck. Ow, and fuck.

I don't feel like I have anything to give anyone. I will anyway, and this will pass, but right now: FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.

Grrr

Had Distraction Technique for fourth time yesterday. Husband was with and was lovely. It helps a great deal to have him touching my face or holding my hand through this godawful procedure. Didn't cry third time, did yesterday. Might have been more painful, or might have been that I took 3 ativan instead of 4 yesterday. Good news is that there have been no pain spikes since yesterday, and there weren't any for three days after Time #3. Bad news is baseline pain is very high today. Plus I've caught some virus. I notice I do not do well with "other" pain or discomfort - increasingly so as the pudendal pain lingers into its third year. I feel like whining and bitching. I want to go home, snuggle up under a fuzzy warm blanket and whimper/cry until I fall asleep. And no dreams about dying cats or secret grandfather's rooms or any spooky bullshit like that, either!

Angry, much?

"Distraction" Technique

Had rectal massage of tendons that Dr. A calls a "distraction technique" (nice euphemism) again this morning, through another 4 mg of ativan. A week from Wednesday, I will try it will 3 mg. Cried again. Hurts horribly. But a tech who is always lovely to me when I have injections was curious about the procedure, and I said she could come see how it goes if she wanted, which she did, and she paid attention to what he was doing but also held my hand and stroked my hair while I cried and (cried out.) [Thank you, L.] No sharp pains since this morning, whereas last night one hit me that was so bad I was lying on the couch with an ice pack clutched to my genitals and had tears running down my face. I HATE it when that happens when my kid is around. She was upstairs, but say the aftermath of the tears. Damn it. That one lasted 10 minutes.

I hope I am without the awful pain spikes for two or more days this time. Funny, what one begins to look forward to.