"Distraction" Technique

Had rectal massage of tendons that Dr. A calls a "distraction technique" (nice euphemism) again this morning, through another 4 mg of ativan. A week from Wednesday, I will try it will 3 mg. Cried again. Hurts horribly. But a tech who is always lovely to me when I have injections was curious about the procedure, and I said she could come see how it goes if she wanted, which she did, and she paid attention to what he was doing but also held my hand and stroked my hair while I cried and (cried out.) [Thank you, L.] No sharp pains since this morning, whereas last night one hit me that was so bad I was lying on the couch with an ice pack clutched to my genitals and had tears running down my face. I HATE it when that happens when my kid is around. She was upstairs, but say the aftermath of the tears. Damn it. That one lasted 10 minutes.

I hope I am without the awful pain spikes for two or more days this time. Funny, what one begins to look forward to.

This Morning

It hurts too damn much to do anything.


Now I shall finish getting ready for work.

New Procedure

Tomorrow, my pain doc is doing something he called "rectal massage of tendons." I plan to be so far into Ativan Land I can't even identify a car, let alone drive one. My husband is taking me there. Visions of my goddamned grandfather dance in my head - as if the medical procedure alone were not enough, my unconscious has to start screaming "FOUL!" It's frustrating...some things I had satisfactorily dealt with in order to discover enjoyable sexual activity take on new dimensions in the face of some of the things I've needed to do to try to solve this medical issue.

Fuck.

Decompression Surgery

In April, I had pudendal nerve decompression surgery via the transgluteal approach. This link states that the incisions are 2-3 cm; mine are nearly 5 inches long, with one-inch incisions above those, where the drains were for the first day post-op. Dr. Stanley Antolak performed the surgery. He says it went well. I remember his disembodied face floating over me as I came out of anesthesia after three hours under, telling me that I had "really needed this surgery" and that it had gone very well. By this, he meant the procedure had gone well; we don't know yet what the ultimate results will be.

More when I can. I keep trying to write about the surgery and recovery...this is as much as I can do right now. It's also time to leave my office and go see my analyst.

Less Hysterical

Had massage; hysteria tamped down. Head still hurts.

Make it

STOP, make it stop, make it stop.

4+ Months Post-Surgery

And I am in deep grief - for what my husband and daughter have lost, for what I have lost over the last 2.5 years; for what I am so scared, right now, that I may never regain. I feel tapped, like I have nothing to give right now. Maybe tomorrow will feel different, but I can't see it from this afternoon. I also had four steroid injections - extraordinarily painful affair - less than a week ago, and they're making me feel sick (and perhaps emotionally off-balance), so we'll see.

I am removing the post in which I use my real name because I have clients who sometimes seek connection with me outside of session by finding evidence of me on the web. Better to remove it and stick with "K" rather than start a whole new blog.